


Hide Yourself From Everyone

by iliketocolor



Category: Merlin (TV)
Genre: Accidental Self Harm, Alcoholism, Depression, Gen, Grieving
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2021-02-21
Updated: 2021-02-21
Packaged: 2021-03-19 00:53:56
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 6
Words: 7,146
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/29618082
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/iliketocolor/pseuds/iliketocolor
Summary: Merlin is still mourning Freya when Arthur and the knights find out about his magic and about Freya. Slight changes- Gwaine is a knight while Uther is still king. Magic reveal fic.Written from prompt requested by fanfiction user: No Wonderland.Pain and angst for MerlinOriginally published on fanfiction in 2013
Relationships: Freya/Merlin (Merlin)
Kudos: 32





	1. Chapter 1

Merlin watched the light leave Freya’s as she took her last breath and he was unsure of how he was supposed to cope without her. She had only been in his life for a few days, but she had done something for him that he didn’t know he needed. They had connected on a level that Merlin had never felt with anyone he’d ever met before. But as quickly as she had entered his life, she had left it.

He let the boat with her body, drift to the middle of the lake before he set it a light with his magic. He sat at the lake side for a while watching the slow burn of the girl he had planned to run away with. Finally, his tears subsided and he made the slow trip back to the city. Daylight was fading and Merlin knew he would be needed in the castle.

Walking alone for five minutes, he began to sense someone was nearby. He hadn’t noticed how much he had let his guard down, letting his grief take over all his being. He stopped and listened momentarily, hearing the pattern of footsteps and breaking branches.

“Merlin.” A firm but friendly voice spoke from the left.

Merlin turned suddenly, finding himself face to face with Gwaine.

“Gwaine, you really shouldn’t sneak up on people like this.” He cracked a smile, wondering what the knight was doing out in the woods.

Gwaine smiled sadly and placed a hand on Merlin’s shoulder. “Merlin, I think we need to speak about what just happened.”

A panic rose up in Merlin’s throat. He had known someone was going to catch him at some point. He had grown lazy when it came to hiding his magic well. He tried to play off the comment but Gwaine could see the sorrow and defeat in Merlin’s eyes.

“And what just happened? You being caught trying to sneak up on me? You know you really must work on your stealth. I heard you coming up on me.”

“I think it’s best we do this outside the city, don’t you?” Gwaine asked with a sigh.

Seeing no way out of it, Merlin admitted defeat. “I suppose so. It will give me a couple more moments of freedom before facing Uther.”

Merlin sat on the forest floor with his back against a grand oak tree. Gwaine laughed softly and sat down with him.

“What, you mean you’re going to turn yourself into Uther?”

Merlin looked over to Gwaine, slightly shocked at his friend but also relieved. He considered Gwaine to be a good friend of his, but that didn’t mean he could trust him with the knowledge of his magic. Merlin knew that he couldn’t make even his closest friends choose between keeping Merlin’s secret and obeying the laws of Camelot, especially when those friends are knights.

“Merlin, I’m not going to tell anyone anything about today.” Gwaine admitted. “You kept the secret of my nobility and I shall keep yours of your magic.”

Merlin closed his eyes and smiled, leaning his head back against the tree. “Thank you Gwaine.”

“But Merlin, what of that girl? I don’t quite understand your connection with her.”

Merlin wasn’t sure he completely understood why he’d had such a strong connection with her so quickly, but he was actually kind of glad for the opportunity to talk it through with a trusted friend.

“Her name was Freya. She was a druid girl who had been cursed by a horrible sorceress... Each night she unwillingly transformed into what you and the others faced last night… But… she was so much more than that.”

Gwaine listened thoughtfully, not minding the few tears that had begun to fall from Merlin’s eyes.

“She was kind and beautiful. We understood what it was like to hide ourselves from everyone and she deserved so much more than she ever received.”

The two men sat in silence for several minutes, letting each other’s company be enough.

Eventually, as the sun grew dim, Gwaine stood up, offering a hand to help Merlin up.

Merlin accepted, but looked at his friend quizzically. “Gwaine, why were you following me?”

“To tell you the truth Merlin, I had my suspicions… Ever since we first met, really. But then when you arrived last night and the beas… I mean, Freya, suddenly changed… like she knew you. It was odd. Then when she flew off and you ran to follow, I knew you were up to something. I figured it was better I follow you than anyone else. Arthur was making the connection as well, but I told him I’d find out what was going on, put his mind at ease.”

“So what will you tell him?” Merlin asked as they walked back to the castle.

“That you were frightened of it and that I found you out here gathering herbs for Gaius, still slightly upset about the whole thing, but keeping yourself distracted. I’ll inform him Gaius needs you for the night and find him another servant to help for the evening.”

The two parted ways when they reached the castle and Merlin thanked Gwaine. Merlin sat by the window in the chambers he shared with Gaius and let himself live out the life he could have had with Freya. He dreamt up the home they’d find to live in and the lake they’d live by. He thought of the children he’d have had with her and the years they’d have spent together after the children had grown. He lived out their whole lives in a span of a couple hours. When Gaius found him sitting at the window several hours later, he comforted the boy and let him grieve for the evening.


	2. Chapter 2

Morning came too early for Merlin. He almost forgot what happened to Freya for about 30 seconds when he woke up. The sunlight poured through the small window in his bed chamber and he remembered how much had suddenly changed in his life. He lay in bed and remembered the soft, gentle flow of Freya’s voice and the pressure her lips against his. The sooner he got out of bed, the sooner he’d have to face everyone and everything he wanted to avoid.

He let himself stay in bed until Gaius knocked on the door in a short burst of quick knocks.

“Merlin, are you awake yet?”

“Yes…” Merlin sighed. The last thing he wanted to do was face anybody.

Regardless of his mood, Merlin quickly got ready and joined Gaius for a quick breakfast. He tried to eat the apple he’d accepted from the older man, but after a few bites, even his stomach seemed to lose interest.

“Are you alright this morning Merlin?” Gaius asked, concern lacing his voice.

“Yeah… yeah, just tired. I should get going.” Merlin gave a week smile and tossed the half eaten apple in the trash on the way out the door.

He walked slowly to the kitchens to get Arthur’s breakfast, knowing he had a bit of time before he’d have to deal with the prince. He wasn’t sure why he didn’t like being around Arthur anymore. Normally he was nearly friends with the prince, but lately being around Arthur, and most people, was exhausting. He said soft hellos to the other servants he passed but didn’t take time to interact with them as he normally would.

To his surprise Arthur was already awake when Merlin arrived. He was still lying in bed, but he was awake.

“Am I late sire? I apologize.” Merlin said placing the tray of food down on the table.

“No Merlin, you haven’t screwed up today yet, I’m simply awake too early…” Arthur chuckled and slowly got out of bed and walked to the table as Merlin opened the curtains, letting light into the room.

“Ah, well… good.” Merlin knew the prince was joking, but he couldn’t think of his normally witty replies. He went about tidying the room in silence as Arthur ate. After Arthur had finished his food, Merlin helped him dress for the day.

“You’re rather quiet today Merlin,” Arthur stated, watching his servant tie the string of his shirt.

“Hmm… sorry sire. I always thought you liked it better when I wasn’t making comments.”

“Yes…” Arthur raised an eyebrow and took over the task of dressing himself. “Well, it’s rather odd.”

Merlin ignored the comment and hoped to be alone sooner rather than later. “Right, well is there anything you need before I start my normal chores?”

“No… just make sure you polish my armor and get it to me by early this afternoon. I’m training with the knights and I’m sure we’ll need you there for something.”

“Of course.” Merlin quickly left the room, taking the empty tray from Arthur’s breakfast back to the kitchen before heading to the stables to take care of the horses.

There was, of course, another servant who took care of all the royal horses, but Merlin had been sent to muck out the stables so often, that helping with Arthur’s horse had eventually become a daily activity. He rather liked spending time with the animal. Arthur’s horse was quite unlike the prince. He was gentle but smart and always seemed to like when Merlin was around.

Merlin helped the stable boy feed the horses and muck out the stables. It was always an easier job when there were two people doing it and Merlin didn’t mind the stable boy. They didn’t speak often unless needed. When Merlin had been happier and more himself, he’d try to speak more with the boy, but he also understood that the boy liked being quiet. Now, it was something Merlin appreciated more than ever.

Together, they finished quickly and Merlin was forced to go back to the main castle. He figured the prince was out of his chambers by now and he would be alone as he made the bed and cleaned it properly.

He was right of course. He knew Arthur’s daily schedule and the prince would be meeting with his father right about now. Merlin began cleaning with the help of his magic after he made sure the door was locked. The last thing he needed was more people finding out about his magic, especially people who would be less understanding than Gwaine.

When he was done he went to the armory. He sighed, thinking of how much he’d have to pretend this afternoon with the knights. He knew Freya had been the tipping point, but he also knew he’d been feeling tired of his life for weeks before Freya showed up. Freya’s presence and situation had just forced Merlin to see what he’d wanted to ignore. Without her, there was no one who truly understood him. He couldn’t ignore how different he was anymore. He didn’t fit in with anyone and that’s what was so exhausting. The constant hiding and the secrets that Merlin had to keep were wearing him down. He hid behind his clever ideas and witty retorts. It had been easy at first, almost fun. But now it was just too much. Sure he had Gwaine now, but Gwaine understood him less that Gaius did.

Merlin began polishing Arthur’s armor and sword, taking his time.

“Merlin!” Gwaine said as he entered the armory fifteen minutes later. “How are you this morning?”

“I’m fine Gwaine. Thanks.” Merlin looked up briefly to acknowledge the knight’s entrance but knew his eyes would betray him.

“Glad to hear it. I understand you’re to help us this afternoon at training.” Gwaine took a seat next to Merlin on the bench and began to inspect his own sword for polishing.

“Yes. I suppose I’ll be the target practice again.”

Gwaine laughed and it almost made Merlin smile. Gwaine’s happiness was usually so infective, but then again, Merlin was usually happy himself.

Merlin listened quietly as Gwaine began a story about some joke he and the other knights had tried to pull on Lancelot. Merlin wanted to care. He wanted to laugh and think that everything was great. He just couldn’t see the point. The one person who Merlin truly connected with was now dead. Millions of people that could have understood Merlin were murdered because of Uther or now in hiding, feeling just as he did: scared, tired, and alone.

Gwaine suddenly stopped talking, finished with his story. Merlin gave a forced smile and set Arthur’s helmet down, picking up the sword instead.

“Merlin, your hand…” Gwaine said gently.

“What?” Merlin looked at the sword in his hand. He was holding it by the blade, not even noticing that the edge had sliced open his palm. “Oh.”

Gwaine took the sword from Merlin and wrapped his hand in a cloth from his pocket.

“Go see Gaius, Merlin. Get some rest before lunch. I’ll finish this for you.”

“No, I’ll be fine, you shouldn’t-” Merlin stared at his friend, a knight, a secret noble, and couldn’t see how the man could care so much for a simple servant.

“Of course I should. It’s what friends do. Now go. I’ll see you this afternoon.” Gwaine placed his hand on Merlin’s back and gently pushed him to stand from the bench.

Merlin nodded. “Thank you.”


	3. Chapter 3

Merlin didn’t really want to go to Gaius and have to explain himself. He hated that he had been so careless and hurt himself. He wished he knew more healing spells and could make the whole thing disappear.

Nonetheless, he went back to Gaius and had the old man fix him up. He didn’t ask a lot of questions, but he did seem to know Merlin was not in his right mind.

“You must pay more attention to things around you Merlin. You risk a lot more than a simple cut if you continue to be careless.”

“Of course Gaius,” Merlin said dully. He was only half paying attention to his mentor. “I’m going to rest for a while before I have to be in the kitchens.”

Gaius nodded and Merlin went back to his room to lie down. Sleeping wasn’t really an option for him, but he just wanted to lay there. His thoughts weren’t racing but his thoughts were loud. They seemed to fill every inch of his brain and he let himself cry quietly.

Part of him wished he’d never met Freya. He wished he’d ignored her in that cage and listened to Gaius’s warning. But the bigger part knew he needed to know her. She had been exactly what he needed. She was just taken away too soon.

He hated his destiny and hated that he couldn’t share his magic with the people closest to him. He felt hidden from the people he should have been able to share his life with.

Eventually, he stopped the tears and composed himself to get to the kitchens.

The kitchens were as busy as they always were. The cook rolled her eyes as Merlin entered. She didn’t hate Merlin, but she didn’t particularly care for his usual jokes and clumsy demeanor. He’d never taken offense to her obvious annoyance with him but now he wasn’t sure he was doing anything that deserved her heavy sighs and aggravated glances.

He helped put the food on the trays and went with the other servants to the main hall where the king, Prince Arthur, and a couple council members were waiting to be served.

“Merlin, what happened to your hand?” Arthur asked as he noticed the white gauze wrapped around his servant’s palm.

“Nothing sire. just a clumsy error, as usual.” Merlin managed a smile and stepped back to wait against the pillar with the other servants.

Lunch was over in an hour and instead of clearing plates back to the kitchen, Merlin joined Arthur as they walked the castle halls towards Arthur’s room.

Merlin was surprised to find all of Arthur’s armor and his sword were placed on the bed, shiny and clean.

“Impeccable job Merlin,” Arthur said picking up the chest plate and staring at his reflection.

It wasn’t like Arthur to give compliments. Arthur could sense that there was something different about Merlin lately. Despite how he was raised to feel towards the servants, he felt like he and Merlin were friends. He’d never share these thoughts with anyone, but he really didn’t know what he’d do without Merlin. Arthur actually missed Merlin’s constant chatter and teasing remarks. It was too quiet when Merlin wasn’t himself. He wasn’t sure how, but he knew he had to figure out what was bothering Merlin so much.

“Thank you… Let’s get you ready then.” Merlin went to the closet and pulled out clothes for Arthur to change into before setting him in his armor.

“Merlin, you seem out of sorts lately. Are you sure you’re alright?”

“Of course. Just an off day.” Merlin figured he’d have to get better at hiding his depression from people; he just was so tired of pretending.

He listened to Arthur change the topic and start to complain about his father. Merlin nodded where appropriate and paid attention to getting the armor on properly. When he was finally done, the two made their way to the practice fields.

The other knights were already on the field having short one-on-one battles with each other. Arthur joined them and told Merlin to grab a shield, he would be target practice.

After two hours and one too many misplaced hits, Merlin felt a pain in his abdomen. He’d been mentally numb since they started and he mindlessly moved the shield as knights hit it with all the techniques.

“Merlin, why did you do that?” Lancelot asked, nearly shouting.

“What,” Merlin slowly drifted back to what was happening around him. He was lying on the ground with a piercing pain crawling from his abdomen to the rest of his body. He’d been cut by Lancelot’s blade.

A couple of the other knights, including Arthur, ran over to see what Lancelot was yelling about.

“What happened?” Arthur asked quickly.

“I was just hitting the shield and he was moving it as always, but then suddenly he just moved it away from himself, like he wanted to get hurt.” Lancelot explained.

“Leon, help get Merlin to Gaius. Stay with him until I get there.” Arthur was not going to let this go.

“Have any of you noticed anything strange about Merlin lately?” Arthur asked the few knights that had gathered to care for their friend.

“Actually, he’s been having a bit of a hard time lately.” Gwaine confided. He really wanted Merlin to stop hiding so much from Arthur and the other knights. None of them would turn Merlin into the king for having magic. Merlin was a friend to all of them and Gwaine knew Merlin was hiding more than he had admitted to out in the forest.

“Wait, so you know what bothers him?” Arthur turned to Gwaine, intent on finding out everything.

“They are his secrets to tell sire, it’s just… if he were to confide in you, you would have to make a difficult decision, and he does not wish to make you choose.” Gwaine didn’t know how to be any more vague than that.

Arthur stood for a moment in thought. He had no idea what kind of secret Merlin could have that would cause Arthur problems. “I don’t care. If me being forced to make a decision will get him back to his old self, it’s worth it.”

“It’s a bit more complicated than that-” Gwaine shouted as Arthur walked towards the castle. He didn’t care how complicated it was, Merlin needed to trust him.


	4. Chapter 4

Merlin still felt numb as Gaius treated his wound. He wasn’t horribly injured, but it was worse than the cut on his hand. Merlin didn’t really remember what happened. He hadn’t really been paying attention. His mind had wandered to thoughts of how much better off everyone would be if he was gone, and suddenly he felt the pain in his side.

He had known everyone would survive without him when he planned to run away with Freya. Now, he was just a burden to everyone, making clumsy mistakes and always unintentionally causing trouble. In the past 24 hours he’d already made Gwaine choose between the law and Merlin and he’d let the knight do servant’s work. Gaius continuously had to patch him up and watch out for him.

Gaius bandaged Merlin in silence, knowing the young warlock didn’t want to talk. He simply asked what happened and accepted the answer Merlin gave. Regardless of his lack of questioning, Gaius was more worried about Merlin than he’d ever been. He could see Merlin was overwhelmed and losing himself. The young man in front of him was not the same boy who came to him years ago, and not in a good way. The world was weighing heavy on Merlin and for once, Gaius didn’t know how to help.

Arthur arrived in the room just in time to see Gaius put the bandage on.

“Hold on, Gaius, how bad is it?” Arthur walked over to the pair and Gaius held back the cloth so the prince could see.

It was an 8-inch wound that luckily wasn’t too deep. Arthur waved his hand to signal Gaius could finish. He ran his palm over his face and sighed.

“Merlin, what’s going on with you today?” The prince pulled up a stool in front of Merlin and sat down with a mission of fixing his servant…friend.

“I’m sorry Arthur. Like I said, I’m just not feeling well today.” Merlin didn’t dare look up from the table. He just traced the lines in the wood of the table.

Arthur turned to Gaius. “Please Gaius, if you could give us a moment,”

“Of course sire,” Gaius gave a weak smile to the prince, hoping he would be able to help Merlin.

Once Gaius had left the room, Arthur turned back to Merlin. “As Prince of Camelot, I demand you stop lying to me.”

“I’m n-”

“Don’t tell me you’re not, because according to Gwaine, there is something serious going on. And I’ve noticed changes over the past few weeks. Only the past couple days have been… weird. You were so cheery a couple days ago and now you look like the living dead.” Arthur wasn’t as much of a prat as he let everyone, including Merlin, believe he was. He just had an image to uphold if he was to become King someday.

Merlin was quiet for a minute as he tried to think of another believable lie. Nothing was coming to mind.

Arthur sighed again at Merlin’s silence. “Gwaine said whatever was bothering you would cause me to have to make a difficult decision. Can’t you let me be the one to decide?”

Merlin’s eyes shot up to the prince. He wanted to kill Gwaine for telling Arthur so much.

“No.” Merlin could feel a fire of fear and anger begin to burn behind his eyes.

“That’s not fair Merlin-” Arthur was surprised at the intensity of Merlin’s word.

“This is my life we’re talking about Arthur. I should have a right to my own choices and to protect myself.” Merlin stood up and began to pace.

“But Merlin, it’s affecting everything you do in this castle. It’s eating you alive. If you don’t speak of whatever is bothering you, you won’t have a life to protect.”

Merlin began to laugh to himself. He was quite trapped now. He knew Arthur was right. If Merlin didn’t tell Arthur everything, it was going to destroy him from the inside out. But, if he told, he could be burned at the stake. “Ah, that’s the double edged sword now, isn’t it?”

“I don’t understand Merlin.” Arthur was barely keeping up on the conversation anymore. Merlin was acting so oddly. “And please sit down!”

Merlin was far too tired to even care anymore. He really had nothing left to lose. He could not see an outcome where he came out alive. He sat down and sighed. “I have magic.”

Arthur stared at his friend, completely speechless. “No you don’t, I would know if you had-”

He cut himself off as Merlin demonstrated his magical ability by creating a small dragon out of the dust particles in the air around them.

“It is my destiny to use my magic to protect you and help you become the true king of Camelot. Your ruling will one day unite the entire kingdom, with my help…”

“I… oh…” Arthur finally understood the decision he had to make. He had to choose Merlin, or his father. But Merlin spoke of destiny as if his reign as king would be glorious. Arthur still barely thought of himself as ready to stand up to his father, let alone unite the kingdom.

“I understand if you turn me in to your father. I have lied and-”

“Merlin, I’m not telling my father… I don’t know if I like that you’ve been using magic behind my back, but if what you say is true, you must be alive for the sake of Camelot.”

“If it makes you feel any better, I’ve only ever used my magic to help you… Well, save you…” Merlin smiled slightly, knowing Arthur would never believe Merlin could save him.

“Oh now come on, magic is one thing, saving me? That’s ridiculous.” Arthur scoffed. He smiled, happy to see that Merlin looked like he was ten times better. There was still a heaviness that he thought would be gone once Merlin talked about whatever he needed, but it seemed there was more.

“No, really.” Merlin smiled again. “All those times we’ve made it out of fights or traps or anything that seemed lucky or impossible… or when you blacked out…”

Arthur’s expression showed how he put the pieces together. There had been a lot of times when they somehow got out of a situation where they seemed doomed. “I guess thanks are in order.”

“Don’t worry about it.”

The two sat in silence for a minute before Arthur shifted in his seat. “There still seems to be something bothering you.”

“What? No. I’m just not used to having you know about this.” Merlin didn’t want to tell him about Freya. Freya was a different kind of secret that Merlin wasn’t ready to talk about yet.

“Well… Who else knows about this?”

“Gaius, Lancelot, and Gwaine found out yesterday.”

“Okay. We’ll keep it that way. I’m sure the knights would be able to handle it, but they still serve my father and we don’t need to risk anything.” Arthur stood up and could tell that he, himself, was feeling better too. “I’ll see you in the morning Merlin.”

“But what about-” Merlin stood up quickly in response.

“You have the night off. Enjoy it.” Arthur patted Merlin on the back and left the young warlock to stand there wondering how he had been so luck as to have Arthur take Merlin’s side in his father’s war.


	5. Chapter 5

Merlin sat in silence for a while after Arthur left the room. Merlin could barely process the turn his life had just taken. Finally, he decided to just let himself fall asleep. It took him an hour, but eventually he fell into a fitful sleep. He kept dreaming that Arthur lied and told Uther everything.

_"You really thought I'd side with a sorcerer? You're a fool!"_

He woke up in a cold sweat. He was so tired of his life. Even if things would be easier now that he didn’t have to hide his magic from Arthur, it didn’t bring back the people that Uther had murdered. It didn’t bring back Freya and it didn’t make Merlin’s destiny any less daunting.

* * *

Merlin was actually okay during the day. He loved that Arthur and the knights were making an effort to be a little nicer. They seemed to care and he was thankful for that. What he didn’t like was how much, at the end of the day, he still didn’t feel like himself. Life was supposed to get better once Merlin didn’t have to constantly hide his magic from his best friends. Instead it had just made everyone think Merlin was going to get better.

It wasn’t all bad. Arthur seemed to be okay with Merlin using magic to prepare his bath or clean up the room. Basically, Merlin could continue to do all the things he was already doing he just could do it all with Arthur around.

He could make it through the day doing his chores and making jokes with Arthur or the knights. It wasn’t until the end of the night that Merlin didn’t have anything to distract his thoughts anymore. He hated sitting alone in his room. All he could think about was how alone he still felt.

It was after a particularly bad night of insomnia that Merlin figured he needed to try something different. Merlin wasn’t one to spend time at the tavern. He had never really cared for the sensation of losing so much control over himself. It was now that he knew he might actually prefer to lose himself.

It was three nights after revealing his magic that he found himself sitting alone at the tavern and he began to spend every night there. After being dismissed from helping Arthur, Merlin would check with Gaius and make sure that he didn’t need anything. If Gaius didn’t give him any chores to distract him, Merlin would head off to the bar and drink until he felt tired enough pass out.

The alcohol could push the memories of Freya out of his mind. It would make him forget that telling Arthur did nothing but put Arthur in danger of treason with his own father. Once Merlin was drunk he could head back to his room and entertain himself with his magic until he passed out.

This new routine went unnoticed for several weeks. Merlin seemed to be okay for a while, but Arthur and Gwaine began to notice Merlin looked tired again. The bags under his eyes became more pronounced and if it were even possible, Merlin seemed to become thinner than he already was.

In reality, Merlin was only sleeping an average of three hours a night. He’d stay until he was kicked out of the tavern. The nightmares of Freya’s death or Uther killing Arthur and Gwaine because of Merlin’s magic usually woke Merlin up in time to start his day all over again.

A month after he began drowning himself in alcohol at night Merlin didn’t come home at the end of the night. He didn’t eat breakfast with Gaius. He didn’t wake Arthur up.

“Merlin!” Arthur called into the doctor’s room. “Gaius?”

“Ah, yes sire, to what do I owe the pleasure?” Gaius looked up from the book he was reading.

“Where the bloody hell is Merlin?” Arthur opened the door to his servant’s bedroom, looking for Merlin.

“I haven’t seen him sire. I assumed he was up early to assist you.”

“No. He never showed up. I haven’t eaten breakfast and I have a meeting with the king and his council in an hour.” Arthur ran his hand through his hair.

Gaius had a couple of ideas as to where Merlin could have gone, but it was worrying.

“I’m sure he’ll turn up. I’ll send him to you as soon as I see him.”

No one found Merlin until the end of the night when Arthur and the knights went to the tavern.

For a while, they didn’t seem to notice that the drunk man sitting in the corner was Merlin. It wasn’t until Arthur was slightly drunk himself that the barkeep alerted Arthur to a problem.

“Sire, there’s a slight… situation… with Merlin” He whispered across the bar.

“You found Merlin?” It had been hours since Merlin’s disappearance and Arthur didn’t want to admit that he was growing concerned.

“Uh… he’s been here since last night. He tried to leave early this morning but he passed out. Since he’s been comin’ here all month, I tried to take care of him, but it doesn’t seem right him bein’ this drunk all the time.”

“What are you talking about? Merlin doesn’t spend time in here.”

Leon overheard the conversation and turned to the prince. “Arthur, he’s been a wreck. You have to have seen that he hasn’t been doing well lately.”

Arthur sighed. “Alright. Take me to him.” Truth be told, Arthur knew it must be a big deal. Merlin never even went to the tavern. It was weird for him to be drunk. If something was upsetting Merlin again, Arthur wasn’t sure he could handle another big reveal.

The barkeeper led the drunken prince to his servant and sat him down at the table with Merlin. Merlin didn’t even look over to him. He seemed to sense who was next to him.

“It’s my fault you know.” Merlin admitted.

“Your fault I had no breakfast this morning? I know.” Arthur stared at the spot on the table that Merlin seemed so fixated on.

Merlin gave a sad laugh. “That too… but no. Her death. I couldn’t save her… I promised to help her. I promised we would have a future…”

Arthur looked at Merlin. “Who are you talking about Merlin?” He was too drunk to try and make sense of Merlin’s drunk talk.

“Freya… Always my fault. I hurt everyone… Now you know about my magic, you’ll get hurt too.” Merlin slurred.

“Merlin… Firstly, I’m the Price of Camelot. I have dozens of knights and have been trained all my life. I am not in danger. Secondly, who is Freya? And since when do you drink so much?” Arthur didn’t know how much more drunken gibberish he could take.

“You met ‘er. Well… tried to kill her… but it wasn’t yer fault.”

“Out with it Merlin. Tell me what you’re so upset about. Everything was supposed to be okay with you.”

“Freya… The girl who even the druids were scared of. She turned into a beast at night… didn’t have a choice… She wasn’t bad…”

“Her? You mean the flying beast I stabbed? What did you have to do with her?”

“I loved her Arthur… I lied and betrayed you. I helped her escape and planned to run away with her… She was wonderful Arthur… just everything.”

"Wait, you did what?” Arthur was confused and frustrated. For some reason he was angry with Merlin for loving a girl who had been such a danger to the city.

“When you revealed to me that you had magic, you said you only ever used it to help me. How is helping a beast like that escape, helping me? You put the entire kingdom in danger... Maybe I should have told my father about you." The thought pained the both of them. "I mean, what else have you done that I don't know about?"

He regretted the words as soon as he’d spoken them. He would never tell the king of Merlin’s magic. He just hated seeing Merlin like this. He hated how many things he didn’t know about Merlin. He had no idea what he was supposed to do now.

Merlin let his tears fall as he accepted his deepest fears. He’d only stayed at the tavern because the nightmares were getting too horrible at night.

“I’m sorry Arthur…” He had no idea what he was supposed to do. He didn’t want to tell Arthur the truth, but Merlin was growing tired of his routine. He just wanted it to end. He had begun to feel like he’d be better off if he let Arthur figure out his destiny on his own and Merlin could join Freya in whatever afterlife there would end up being.

“Go home Merlin. I expect you to be working tomorrow morning.” Arthur sighed. He wasn’t actually going to tell his father anything, but he needed to figure out how to actually deal with everything Merlin had kept hidden for so long.


	6. Chapter 6

Gwaine walked Merlin back to the castle and made sure the young warlock made it into his bed. He was sympathetic to the stress Merlin was under, but he didn’t quite understand why Merlin wouldn’t let his friends help him. The entire way back to the castle Merlin kept mumbling about being a coward. For a good five minutes he talked about turning himself in and saving everyone the trouble. Gwaine made sure to get that idea out of Merlin’s head before he left Merlin in Gaius’s care.

Gaius woke Merlin up at dawn the next morning. If Merlin’s body had its way, he’d sleep all day. Gwaine had filled Gaius in on everything he knew about Merlin’s problems before he left. Gaius figured Merlin wouldn’t be able to wake up on his own. It took a couple tries, but Merlin finally got his body out of bed. He threw up in the bucket beside his bed before going out and seeing Gaius.

“How are you feeling Merlin?” Gaius asked as he set breakfast on the table.

“Like death.” Merlin rubbed his head. He was dreading the day he had ahead of him.

“I’m sorry Merlin.” Gaius frowned slightly, he hated seeing Merlin struggle.

“Never mind Gaius. Do you have anything you need done before I get Arthur’s breakfast?” Merlin really just wanted to get his day over with. He didn’t want to prolong anything. The sooner everything was over, the sooner he could put his mind at ease at the tavern.

“Yes. I need you to eat something.” Gaius sat down and placed a plate of food at Merlin’s usual seat.

Merlin just stared at the plate on the table. He was starving. He couldn’t recall eating anything the day before.

“Come now Merlin, you must eat. I’ll give you a tonic to calm your stomach as well.” Gaius waited for Merlin to sit down before he got up and retrieved the tonic to help Merlin’s hangover.

The food itself did calm Merlin’s stomach but it had no flavor. His senses had been dulled for weeks. It was really just another reason he didn’t feel like eating anymore. Nothing had any taste. He actually enjoyed the strong bitter and sour liquid Gaius gave him simply because it gave him something to taste.

They ate in silence and Gaius let Merlin leave for the kitchens. Merlin was right on time to wake up the prince.

He walked in and set the food on the table before opening the curtains.

“Sire, it’s time to wake up.” Merlin had gotten used to being more formal with the prince again. He was certain the secrets he had kept from the prince had ruined the friendship they had once almost had.

“What? Am I no longer a prat?” Arthur asked, rolling over. He wasn’t quite used to Merlin being so proper.

“I’m sure you are, Arthur, but that doesn’t affect the time you need to rise.” Merlin went about his usual tasks as Arthur took his time getting out of bed. He too was dreading having the conversation that needed to be had.

After Arthur had eaten and dressed for the day, he sat down at the table expectantly.

“Sit Merlin.” Arthur commanded.

Merlin obeyed the prince and took a seat at the opposite end of the table.

“Now that you’ve sobered, tell me everything… from the beginning. There will be no more secrets, do you understand?” Arthur stared at Merlin, gaging his reaction. The prince was actually glad he had waited to have this conversation until they were both sober and less upset. Arthur found he wasn’t as angry at Merlin for helping Freya as he had been the night before.

“Yes. Well… Firstly, I do apologize for everything sire.” Merlin cleared his throat, debating where the beginning of his story really was. Arthur gave him a moment to think and Merlin started his story.

He spoke of first discovering his magic when he was a child. He talked of his father and learning he was the last dragon lord. He explained how he had always felt so alone in everything he had to accomplish and how he was so tired of not being able to talk to anyone about his magic.

Then he finally told the story of Freya and how he had been so captivated by her. He couldn’t let her be a prisoner when she had done nothing wrong. He fell in love with her before he learned of her curse. But once he found out, it only made her story sadder, it didn’t make her a worse person. She didn’t deserve to be turned in a killed simply because of this curse. She needed help, not punishment.

Arthur sat quietly, taking in every word Merlin said. He hated that there had been so many things he hadn’t known about his servant and friend. Mostly, he hated that Merlin was in so much pain.

“Since her death… I haven’t known what to do. I only started going to the tavern because it was easier to fall asleep at night if I was drunk… but then the nightmares started seeping through even the strongest of drinks, and it was no use anymore.” Merlin confessed, ending his long story.

“Merlin…” Arthur finally spoke. “I’m sorry.” He couldn’t think of what to say. The life that Merlin had lived and described was heartbreaking.

“There’s nothing to apologize for Arthur.” Merlin didn’t dare look up at the prince. For some reason, he wanted to cry. Arthur’s tone showed how much he really cared and it was difficult to take that in.

“But there is Merlin.” Arthur sighed. “You’ve always been treated and seen as a simple servant, and you are far more than that. From the sound of our destiny, you may be worth more than me.”

Merlin laughed. He could not imagine a world where that was true.

“I think we’re worth more together. Our destinies are intertwined… You just weren’t supposed to know your half.”

Arthur scoffed. “What, because a dragon told you not to tell me?” He laughed at the thought.

“Partially, yes. The dragons are wiser creatures than most will ever understand. But also, I hadn’t wanted to put you in a position where you had to choose between the law and your father, or me.”

“Merlin, I will always choose you. If there are to be no secrets between us, then let me say right now, we are friends… brothers even… and you are my equal, no matter what others may decide, we are in this together.”

Merlin smiled. He knew he would finally be okay. He would still miss Freya and his destiny would still be big, but he now had a true friend amongst the chaos.


End file.
